I'm Not Okay
by klainebowsunicorns
Summary: All Ethan had been trying to do was keep his head above water after the tragic crash... but it was starting to drag him under and he had no idea how to stop it.
1. Chapter 1

_**This is the first fic I have ever wrote… this has been stuck in my head ever since I watched 'Born Lucky' and quite honestly it's been driving me insane. So I thought I'd let it all out by writing this. Obviously I don't own any of the characters… this is just my version of how things should have gone. Cal and Ethan are my favourite characters so why not write a bit more about them. I apologize for any spelling, grammar and punctuation errors… I tried it's not quite my strong point!**_

Ethan Hardy decided he wanted to be a doctor at age 12. That was when his mother first became ill. It was the only way he knew how to drown out the guilt that he couldn't save her. So he dedicated himself to studying medicine, to becoming a doctor because it was the only way to silence the voices in his head. The voices in his head the one's telling him that he can do more, study harder, that maybe he could save her… he couldn't.

He felt like he was falling, he was all alone with no one there to catch him. You see Ethan had very little family that he was close to apart from his mother. His father disappeared when he was three… he doesn't even remember what he looks like. Then there was Caleb… Cal as he insists you call him, his brother. Ethan and Cal were always close despite the four year age gap. Up until Cal turned sixteen, the same time there mother first became ill. He went out to parties, didn't study, got drunk and left his twelve year old brother to look after their sick mum. Cal just fell completely off the radar when he was eighteen. Ethan rarely heard from him, didn't even know where he was most of the time. It was like that up until their mother died. Ethan couldn't trust him and more importantly he couldn't trust himself.

That was the first time he ever felt like he'd lost control, lost control of everything.

Working at the ED lessened the guilt caused by his mother's death. Being able to make a positive impact on people's lives made him forget, even if it was for a little while. Then Cal turned up again after their mother's death, unannounced. Apparently he was working at the ED… This kind of threw Ethan off. This was his brother, the brother that always made him feel like he was worthless… second best. The same brother that left him all alone and practically abandoned him. Although there was tension (lots of it at times) between the two, it was okay in the end. It was okay because although they might not have the best relationship it still felt nice to have his brother around. To feel not so lonely any more.

As weeks went on after his mother's death the guilt started fading. He felt he could finally let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. Eventually everything was clear again and everything was ok.

That was until the crash happened, the crash that nearly cost Ethan his life. The crash that had cost Jeff's life. All the guilt came crashing back into him, like a wave that was taking over… taking over him. This time though Cal was there for him, he was always there. He even apologized for past events they never talk about. It helped having his big brother there, he felt a little more at ease. Some days though even Cal couldn't get through to him, it was like something had consumed him and all he wanted to do was sleep.

Caleb Knight was not what you call a perfect big brother, in fact he was far from it. But he was trying so hard, incredibly hard to gain Ethan's trust back after all of those years. Having to treat him, see him in such a state… a mess, was something he never wanted to see again or relive. He wouldn't be surprised if he had a heart attack if Ethan even cut his knee after this because Caleb did love his brother. He was his safety net and there was no way he could live without him. He visited his brother every day while he was in hospital. Before his shift, while on his shift and after his shift at the ED despite getting in trouble with Connie…. And Lily a few times. He was also the one responsible of telling Ethan about Jeff's death. The hardest part was trying to pick up the broken pieces of his little brother after that. Some days he just couldn't get through, it was like Ethan was trapped in his own little bubble where he could hear or see no one. Ethan got better though as the days went on and Cal had never felt so relieved in his life.

Then day finally came Ethan was released from hospital and the brothers could head home to Ethan's new apartment. Cal purposely stayed late that night there was no way he was leaving his brother by himself just yet. Cal ended up staying the whole of the next week. The brother's got themselves into an almost routine of living together and Ethan didn't really mind. It was nice to have Cal there for him, he felt a little more grounded. The only issue was Cal would check if Ethan was "ok" at least ten times a day much to his annoyance. Ethan was a closed person, he didn't particularly like to share his feelings with other people. It was just always the way it had been growing up, he was used to it. He was used to keeping it all to himself not letting anyone see anything but "fine". Cal didn't need to know about the nightmares that plagued him in the night and the anxiety that came with them. Ethan was dealing with it himself, he didn't need anyone else to tell him he wasn't ok.

He was so desperate to get back to work, to try and get rid of the feeling of immense guilt from his mother's and Jeff's death. To try and bury it so far under that he would forget that those thoughts exist. He wasn't about to turn around and tell Cal that when he asked if he was ok. He would never let him go back to work and if he didn't do that then he was going to drown. All he'd been trying to was keeping his head above water but it was starting to drag him under.

That's how he ended up here the night before he started work; trying to keep himself from waking up his brother in the next room. All his anxieties coming up to the surface and making themselves known.

"Close your eyes, focus and breathe because you are okay."

That's what Ethan Hardy told himself every night when the nightmares took over him as the moon shone through the grand arched window within his bedroom. Grabbing him in the night, suffocating him, squeezing him until he can't breathe any more.

Finally after no more than five hours sleep for Ethan, the sun made its appearance through his bedroom window. He could hear Cal clattering around in the kitchen, probably attempting to make a semi-edible breakfast. He pulled the duvet back and got out of bed. Checking in the mirror that the bags under his eyes weren't that obvious, he didn't want Cal questioning anything. As soon as he was sure he looked relatively fine, he made his way down the hall to the open plan kitchen/living room. There Cal was making the mess that Ethan had predicted he was doing fifteen minutes ago. Suddenly Cal turned round "Morning little brother, beautiful morning". Ethan looked out the window, "oh yeah I suppose it is… I hadn't really noticed" he said with a blank expression. He carried on walking into the kitchen and started making himself some cereal. There was no way he was eating whatever Cal was making. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder, he turned round to see Cal stood right in front of him looking slightly concerned "Are you ok? Are you sure you're ready to go back?"

Ethan thought about an answer for a second, turned round and replied

"Of course why wouldn't I be?"

_**Thank you for reading, maybe leave a review and let me know what you think? I'm not sure whether to carry on writing, so let me know.**_

_**Have a good day!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_So I decided to carry this on in the end after all the positive feedback, thank you! I honestly have been thinking about this story for a few days but I had absolutely no clue where to go with it. I have a vague idea now, but I'm up for any suggestions so let me know. Obviously I don't own any of the characters. _**

**_*WARNING* there will be descriptions and mentions of panic attacks in this chapter. So if this might trigger you then please don't read! I am not trying to offend anyone these are from my personal experiences of panic attacks that I have suffered for years._**

Breakfast went by like a flash, after Cal had interrogated Ethan further one last time to check that he was in fact ready to go back to work. He declined Cal's offer of driving him into work, he thought maybe a walk there might help him feel a little more normal… human. Although the walk helped him feel a little bit more awake and not a walking zombie after his restless night. It didn't do anything to clear his head. The voices were still there and silence only made them worse. How he wished he had got in the car with Cal now.

"It's your fault Ethan"

"If you were a better doctor you could have saved her"

"If you hadn't of crashed Jeff wouldn't have died"

"Cal only stays with you because he feels sorry for you not because he cares"

"Everyone blames you and everyone hates you"

The voices took over, took over his whole body. His chest tightened, his hands and feet started to go numb and then all of a sudden he couldn't breathe. It was like someone was physically pushing on his chest and all he could try do was gasp for air. All of a sudden his legs gave out and his vision blurred. He was going to die, this was it.

This was the end.

Cal pulled his and Ethan's car into the car park, praying that he wasn't late. Why was it that he could never leave on time? Not like Ethan who had left 20 minutes before him. He's probably been here for at least 10 minutes Cal thought. He strode into the ED, greeting everyone as he passed. He quickly changed into his scrubs and headed off to start what would more than likely be a hectic day at the ED. Just as he was about to get started Zoe caught his arm.

"Cal is Ethan with you? I'd just like a quick word with him considering it's his first day back"

All of a sudden it felt like dread had smacked Cal straight in the face.

"What do you mean is he with me? I though he was already here… he walked this morning, didn't want me to drive him in"

He quickly pulled his phone out no missed calls, no text messages, nothing. Cal looked up to Zoe's concerned face, it did nothing but make him feel worse. It was a 20 minute walk at a push from their apartment to the ED and that's only if you were walking slowly. The anxiety built up within him then all of a sudden Cal felt himself being pulled towards the office, bringing him out of his thoughts. Zoe made sure that they were both sat before she started talking.

"Cal there's no need to panic, he might just have stopped off somewhere on the way here or he could have forgotten something and had to go home" Zoe tried to console the younger doctor.

"Ethan wouldn't do that he hates being late… something was off with him this morning, it was all week. I couldn't put my finger on it, I kept asking him if he was ok and he said he was fine." Becoming even more panicked over where his brother could have gotten to. Zoe knew she was going to have to be level headed about this, there was no way Cal would be.

"Okay here's what we're going to do, you're going to ring his mobile and if you write the apartment's phone number down I can ring that. I'm sure he'll answer Cal, he's going to be fine" She said in her most reassuring voice.

Cal nodded uncertain, he would give anything for his baby brother to be okay. So he pressed the call button and hoped for the best.

Now all he could do was wait.

Ethan couldn't breathe.

Black spots entered his vision, he was still certain that he was going to pass out or die. He was all alone, crouched on the hard pavement of the back alley he walked down to get to work. All he could think about was that no one was going to find him. His chest tightened at the thought and his breathing became even more increasingly difficult. The earth span so fast he felt like he was on a never ending roller coaster. Then something caught his attention a faint ringing in the background…. His phone. He quickly tried to scrabble around in his pocket desperate to find his phone. It took what felt like hours to finally fish it out of his pocket, his hand shaking so much it clattered straight to the floor. The more frustrated he was getting the quicker his breathing got… he didn't even think that was possible. Without warning his phone lit up again and started ringing again. He managed to pick it up struggling to answer the call as the black spots evident in his eyes made him fumble with the keys.

This was the 18th call Cal had made to Ethan, he was pretty sure he was about to lose his mind. Zoe had left 20 minutes ago after neither had any luck getting hold of Ethan. She allowed Cal to stay in the office to try contact his brother. As Cal looked up, the door opened a familiar face popped around the door.

"Still no luck?" Robyn asked anxiously

"No" he bluntly answered, pressing the call button once more. The phone rang and rang just like the other 18 calls. It felt like eternity, then suddenly the call connected.

Everything was quiet until…

"Help" Ethan gasped from the other end.

**_Just a quick chapter, I plan on updating a lot more frequently. Thank you for reading, maybe leave a review and let me know what you think? What would you like to happen next?_**

**_Have a good day!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_**I am alive and back again… long chapter coming up!**_

_**Hopefully I will be able to update much more frequently now, my life's been a little crazy (not crazy enough to miss casualty though). So here's the next chapter, thank you for all the lovely reviews you've been leaving. Obviously I don't own any of the characters or the show… however I wish I did.**_

_***WARNING* there will be descriptions and mentions of panic attacks in this chapter. So if this might trigger you then please don't read!**_

"Ethan, Ethan where are you?" Cal frantically replied. After a few seconds of no reply and the initial shock of the phone call being answered. Cal became focused, 'Ethan's having a panic attack' he thought. "Eth it's me, its Cal can you hear me? Just let me know you can hear me okay?" waiting for Ethan's reply felt like eternity. A gasped "yes" came from the other end of the phone line. Cal took a controlled calming voice and helped his brother calm down. When he was convinced that Ethan wasn't going to start hyperventilating again, he resumed conversation with him. "Eth you still there? You okay?" A shaky breath came through confirming Ethan was still there, "Yeah… I… Cal please come get me" Even over the phone Cal could tell that Ethan was closed to tears, "Hey it's okay, I'll come get you. Everything will be okay just let me know where you are." Ethan quietly mumbled where he was. When Cal was sure Ethan was going to be ok to wait for him he hung up. Cal ran a hand over his head; when he looked up Zoe was sat at her desk. Cal couldn't remember her coming into the office. She asked if they had found Ethan, Cal explained that they had and that he was off to get him. They decided that obviously there was no way Ethan could work so it was best to drop him off home. Although Cal was nervous to leave Ethan home alone there was no one to cover his shift. Zoe promised that if Connie asked what was happening she would sort it. This was at least one thing lifted off of Cal's shoulders. He ran out to the cark park, started the car and sped off to pick his brother up. Ethan looked rough to say the least, Cal could tell he'd also been crying but decided not to mention it. The drive home was completely silent… it was quite unnerving. Cal made sure Ethan got inside, as soon as he did he disappeared to his room and shut the door.

Ethan wasn't sure how long he'd been laid down staring at the ceiling for. It could be seconds, minutes, hours, days, the point is he didn't care. It was like all of a sudden his head had gone from wanting to explode with noise to complete silence. He was trying to break out from the silence but he just couldn't. He wanted to run out of his room straight to Cal and say what was wrong… but silence. The silence was swallowing him whole, Ethan had once heard that silence was the most powerful scream. He was now starting to believe that because all he wanted to do was scream but there was nothing coming out.

As soon as Cal returned, he went straight to Ethan's room to check that he was okay after he'd left him earlier. Honestly he felt like he'd worked the longest shift in his entire life when in reality it really wasn't. He just needed to see Ethan… needed him to be okay. He knocked on the door only to receive no reply. Taking the chance of being shouted at Cal opened Ethan's bedroom door. He'd be lying he wasn't relieved that Ethan was actually there and hadn't run off anywhere. It had been a habit from when he was little, one thing would upset Ethan and he's run off. Ethan was laid on his bed the same way he'd left him hours ago just staring at the ceiling. He knew they needed to have a cat and it was now or never.

He sat on the end of the bed, "Ethan I think we need to have a chat, don't you?" he gained no response from his brother he just turned over to stare out of the window. "Look Ethan I know I haven't always been there for you. I know that and you probably feel like you can't come to me… that you can't trust me but you can Ethan. I'm really worried about you and I just want you to be okay." Cal waited and watched for any response from Ethan. Just as he was about to give up, Ethan pushed himself up and sat cross legged facing Cal. Ethan opened and closed his mouth a few times, twisting his hands; struggling to find the right words. "Cal I know you're here for me and I do trust you. You've changed lately and I'm just so happy to have my big brother back… but it's not that easy Cal. This isn't something I can just carelessly have a conversation about." Ethan had begun to get annoyed, Cal sensed this and decided to try to calm the situation down. "I know it's not that easy Ethan I wasn't suggesting it was. All I want to do is help you but I can't unless you let me in." Then Ethan snapped "I'm not some broken doll that you can fix Cal, I'm a person."

Tension filled the room as well as silence, Cal was trying to think of a response that wouldn't annoy

Ethan further but he didn't have to Ethan took a deep breath and started talking. "I feel so guilty Cal about everything, about mum, about Jeff… and I don't know how to cope. Everything gets to me, it's like a normal person would brush it off but I can't stop thinking about everything. I just really don't know what to do Cal. I try so hard and nothing I ever do ever seems good enough for anyone. I'm always second best I always have been and I always will be. What is wrong with me Cal? There must be something."

Cal pulled his knees up to his chest, "this isn't just about the crash is it Eth? He was expecting Ethan to shut him completely out right there and then, but he didn't. For the first time in their conversation Ethan looked up, "I just don't know any more Cal, I don't remember what it's like to feel okay… I can't remember the last time I felt ok and I only just realised it". The tears rolled down Ethan's face thick and fast, sobs filled the room. Cal was quick to react, crossing the bed and wrapping his arms around his little brother rocking him back and forth in attempt to comfort. It was at that moment Cal looked at Ethan and decided he would do anything to help his brother feel okay again. They were going to get through this together, Cal might not have all the answers or solutions; but right now all he needed to do was hold his brother and he wasn't planning on letting him go anytime soon.

"I love you so much little brother. I promise I'll be here, just please don't give up okay. There's so many people who love and support you Ethan I just wish you could see it. You're amazing and you are worth more than you can even imagine. Especially to me okay, I couldn't think of having anyone else as a little brother"

_**Poor Ethan aha I'm really making him suffer; I literally have no plan for this story so who knows what the next chapter will be! Thank you for reading, leave a review and let me know what you think?**_

_**I'm going to start a new story alongside this with my own character and then some Cal/Ethan one-shots, good idea?**_

_**Have a good day!**_


End file.
